82% of women report pain with intercourse at some point in their lifetime. Eighty two percent.
This statistic is heart-breaking. We believe that everyone deserves the option to experience intimacy that is both pain-free and shame-free. We interviewed one of our patients and her spouse to give a close-up look at what the journey of painful sex (dyspareunia) was like for them. For them, this was an 8 year journey of pain with sex prior to getting pelvic PT. They are sharing their story today, so that others don’t have to go the same amount of time before hearing about care.
Let’s jump right in. Tell us what sex was like for you prior to pelvic PT.
Her: Intercourse was painful right from the start. We did not have sex before we were married so it was surprising to have this issue. I didn't know that it was possible to have an issue with painful intercourse. It was my understanding that the first time would hurt and then it would be great and there wouldn't be any issues). Initially we were enthusiastic and we didn't feel too discouraged. Some confusion but sure that it would be resolved. After a few months of unsuccessfully being able to even have intercourse except for once (due to pain and feeling like there was just a wall down there), we started to get discouraged. I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I shared it with a few people only to painfully learn that it was shared relatively widely within our circles. This information turning into gossip fueled the fire of shame. Because we were young and uninformed (as was our community), we didn't know a single other person that was having our experience. It seemed like nobody did. Sex prior to treatment (which didn't come for 8 more years) was excruciating. Sharp pains, attempts to just get through it, tears, and almost no enjoyment colored our experience. There were long periods of time where there was no intimacy whatsoever. There were also long periods of time where we were able to have enjoyable intimacy without intercourse. Unfortunately, due to the lack of education and awareness about pelvic pain disorders, these experiences were usually clouded in shame and it was difficult to enjoy afterwards. We felt weird, broken, and it was embarrassing. I know now those things aren't true.
Him: I became aware of pain from intimacy early on in our marriage. I think the first night of our marriage we discovered how painful and challenging sex was going to be. At first I was optimistic. I tried my best to be gentle and slow hoping that the pain would subside over time. When it didn't subside I tried my best to support my wife in her search for solutions to the problem which included seeing numerous doctors and specialists who gave her/us terrible advice. Eventually I became less and less hopeful that we would ever find a way to be intimate together in a way that did not cause pain for my wife. Over time I gave up any hope of resolving the issue which led to less intimacy in our relationship. This was extremely difficult for me because intimacy in our marriage was one of the ways I felt closest to my wife. I would say that I went into a sort of numbing state of depression over the whole issue. We rarely had any sort of intimate encounters and when we did it could be 3-6 months and we'd usually run into another negative experience. I gave up on it altogether and for a long time felt like I was to blame for this issue. I began believing that somehow this was happening because my wife simply didn't love me. All sorts of doubts flooded my mind as to why intimacy was not working for us.
What did you observe in your partner during the years she was experiencing pain with intimacy?
Him: I saw her become extremely insecure and critical of herself. She was ashamed, embarrassed, and took on all of the burden for not being able to have an intimate relationship with me. She thought something was wrong with her and thought that sex was never going to be an option in our marriage. She at one point told me she wouldn't be angry with me if I wanted to leave her. She was totally distraught over the issue and took on so much shame for the bulk of our marriage.
What advice did you receive about your experience with painful intimacy?
What helped, what didn’t?
What education did you receive around why you were experiencing this?
How many doctors did you see before you found pelvic PT and how did you find out?
Her: I didn't receive helpful advice prior to physical therapy treatment with Amy. I saw multiple OBGYNs, a psychiatric nurse practitioner, and a mental health therapist. I was told to drink wine, use two huge dilators, take benzos, analyze my "resistance" to intimacy (I was not resistant), and consider myself a "sexual anorexic" (I rejected this diagnosis because the concept of sexual anorexia makes absolutely no sense if one understands anorexia; plus the book is deplorable). Mental health therapy was helpful in figuring out some of the foundational experiences that contributed to the pelvic pain disorder even though it was not helpful in resolving any of my pelvic pain. The OBGYNs were unfortunately very disappointing. Not a single OBGYN that I saw was helpful or compassionate. I was chuckled at and spoken to in a condescending manner. There was a shared assumption somehow amongst these physicians that I was a prude or naïve (I think my history of not having sex before marriage and my age at the time contributed to this belief). No OBGYN shared that pelvic PT was an option. I was told that I did not have vaginismus because I was able to complete (with considerable pain) a pap smear and normal OBGYN appointment. I found out about pelvic PT initially through a friend. However, she was not seeing a MOJO pelvic pt and her treatment seemed to be primarily biofeedback. I came across pelvic PT again through Sundara Wellness and Amy's social media. I was totally bought-in after I read Amy's published article that described ME.
What was your perception of pelvic PT before and during the care that your partner was receiving?
Him: I had no idea what pelvic PT was and no preconceived perceptions of what it could be. When my wife said she was going to try it I was somewhat skeptical because of how many options we'd already gone through. Once I read more about the experience and background of Amy Moses I became more hopeful because all of the symptoms and Amy's treatment models seemed to describe the issues we were having more accurately than anything I'd read before.
What was your experience with pelvic PT like and how was it different from the other things you’d tried?
Her: I'm still participating in pelvic PT and it has been life-changing. I felt completely understood and known from my very first appointment. Amy assured me that she knew exactly what was going on and that she was confident that I could experience relief and healing. I felt like I was in shock. I went from 8 years of confusion and absolutely no information, to feeling like my life was changed in a 45 minute appointment. It was shocking to go from feeling like an anomaly to totally normal in a moment. I'm crying as I type this. Still surprising to me. Still feels like a balm after the years of shame, pain and confusion. (Thank you.) Pelvic PT is different in that it's the only thing that has been effective.
How long did it take for your pain to start to change and how did that make you feel?
Her: I have had improvements with pain, awareness, and knowledge every single session. Immediately following every single session, I experience relief. It might sound unbelievable (it would have to me) but I promise, it's true. It felt empowering and healing to be understood and to experience effective interventions. It's amazing to me that after so many years, I can now have intercourse. This has helped me to feel more embodied and closer to my spouse.
What did you notice in your partner once her pain or limitations with intimacy began to improve? How did this impact you?
Him: When some of the pain subsided and we were able to have sexual intercourse for the first time my partner was elated. She regained so much confidence almost overnight. I was of course so happy to see how confident she'd become and to see all of the self doubt and shame subside. It made me excited about intimacy in our marriage for the first time, and it has improved our relationship dramatically outside of sexual intercourse.
Can you describe how your perception and experience with intimacy changed once pain was no longer impacting your sex life?
Her: I'm not having any pain but I'm continuing to have a lot of pressure. Improvements (again) with that even through every single session. We've been able to have humor in our sexual relationship again. As well as confidence, spontaneity, and dreaming about adding to our family. Pelvic PT has given us more closeness and calm. To remove the shame and add in awareness and empowerment has flowed out into every aspect of our relationship- bringing greater closeness and connection.
Him: I feel like we are generally happier people when we are around each other. Before we could have intimacy without it being a painful experience there was more tension in our relationship. I feel calm and at ease being with her. I feel excited to spend time together one on one. It has made me more relaxed in our relationship and I look forward to spending more time with her throughout the week and weekend whereas before I was generally more distant.
What advice do you have for other couples who are experiencing pain or difficulty with sex?
Her: Go see a Pelvic PT through MOJO. Know that you aren't alone. And ask Amy for my name if you want a face to these words. I'd love to talk with you. Consider working with a mental health therapist that has awareness of these issues and can work collaboratively as part of a treatment team for you. I'm rooting for you!
Him: Try pelvic PT! I would highly recommend this to anyone that has experienced similar issues to the ones we were having with intimacy. I would tell them to be patient because results will likely not happen overnight, but once you begin to make strides in the right direction you'll see more and more success down the road.
Please share anything else that you feel is relevant to your experience or that you wish you'd known, etc.
Her: Thank you Amy. Moved to tears (as always) writing/thinking about this. SO grateful.
Him: I wish we'd be introduced to pelvic PT sooner than now. It is a shame that this has taken almost 10 years of our marriage to get to this point. I wish more doctors were communicating and educated about pelvic PT with patients that need it. We received so much out-of-touch advice from highly accredited doctors and specialists that it became frustrating and we couldn't see any end in sight. I became very optimistic once we discovered pelvic PT because it seemed to fit our needs and address our issues right from the start. I hope the conversation around pelvic PT grows so that more people can experience freedom in their intimate relationships.
